| Date: 2004-12-05 3:24 p.m. What happened to my old diary and what happened in my life between then and now? I began writing less and less and eventually stopped writing because--get this...it's really sad--I started playing an online first-person shooter game called Day of Defeat and another game called Counter-Strike. Soon after I started playing these games, I became addicted and my life outside of the game started to suffer. As silly as it sounds, this was a serious addiction that burned away a year and a half of my life. I went to college in the fall of 2002 not to get my education, but to move away from my parents, because I could not handle the negativity. Due to my addiction, I never went to class. And when I mean I never went to class, I never went. I missed exams and everything without dropping my classes. Not making anything better, I was taking medication such as Prozac, Wellbutrin, and Adderall for depression and A.D.D. I think these drugs did nothing to help me help myself and Adderall completely fucked my appetite and I weighed about 140 pounds at one point (I am 6’1” if that helps you paint a better picture). Anyway, back to my story, in May of 2003 I returned home to a pair of disappointed parents with a staggering 0.55 GPA. For about 6 months I wondered about what I would do with my life, still secretly wanting to live in an online game. I moved back up to College Station in December of 2003 with no financial support, and I continued to play these games for about a month or so. But one day my roommate came in my room and had a talk with me and told me that I needed to change my life, and that he was once in my shoes years ago, lost and addicted, and coincidentally to an online game. At that point I decided to get rid of my computer, which my parents thankfully bought from me. Also, I decided to just stop taking all my medication because I felt I didn’t need medication to be happy or to not have attention problems. Although a big risk, this turned out to be a great decision, as I have learned how to be happy on my own. I did still have to prove to my parents that I meant business about wanting to be back in school, so I went out and got a job wherever I could. I got a job at a place called Sonic, which is a fast-food restaurant, where I flipped burgers and all that good stuff for 3 months. This was perhaps the most significant and humbling experience of my life. Never had I felt so low as to work in a fast-food joint. And I truly am thankful for having worked there, because it made me realize I was nothing until I decided to become something. Eventually my parents let me move back into the same condominium where I lived with my brother my first year in college. Over the summer I had a 3.75 GPA, and now I can hopefully pull off a 4.0 this semester. The truth about my life even before I became addicted was that I was depressed due to girlfriends’ breaking up with me or cheating on me. I did have suicidal thoughts for quite some time. Depression, I believe, left me open to the vulnerabilities of addiction, for I could escape into my own little world where nobody would hurt me emotionally, my parents couldn’t bog me down with negativity, and I could play violent gun games all day (I love violent games!). I look back on this and see how psychologically immature I was. Another truth is I am probably not as funny in real life as I am in my diary. I do have a lot of funny thoughts and ideas. I love to laugh and I can be spastic at times. And some people who know me well, know that I sometimes will smile to myself in a laughing way because a funny thought comes to my head and they'll be like "What are you laughing at?" and I'm like "Nothing. Nothing. I was just thinking of something funny." Although there have been people all throughout my life (as well as several in Diaryland) who thought I was hilarious, I have grown up, and with growing up I have gotten rid of some of the funny immaturities about myself, but I must admit there are plenty that remain. The joy I get of making other people laugh will likely forever outweigh the selfishness which I for so long did not realize existed. (I apologize if that previous statement seems overwhelmingly paradoxical)When I started my old diary years ago I was 16, I am now 20 years old. Also, I have gained a lot of weight since I stopped taking prescription medication. I weigh 185 pounds now. I have also grown very much as an individual and I have completely different intentions now than when I used to. I constantly seek knowledge, because for me with knowledge has come happiness. I am also no longer afraid of heartbreak, as I got my heart broken a month or two ago, and this time I was able to think things through and return to happiness within a day or two. This was the first time in my life that I was ever grateful for having my heart broken. I also learned that I am agnostic. I will go in detail about how I came to this point eventually.One of the turning points in my life came when I heard a song called “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails (If you have never heard it, I recommend downloading it or buying the CD). This song came out nearly ten years ago and it was actually covered by Johnny Cash a few years ago although I had never heard either version until months ago. The first time I heard it, I could tell it was about addiction. The lyrics are infinitely powerful, as they illustrate the self-destruction one goes through when they are addicted to something, (in Trent Reznor’s case it was heroin). The song made me reflect on everything in my life I had taken for granted as well as what I really wanted in life: to simply be happy.My old diary was filled with a bit more one-liners and quotes than there probably should have been. This diary will be somewhat similar to my old one, I probably will not change the layout because I love the box style a lot, and I’ll still have my usual comical entries but I might be a little bit more open about my beliefs. I want this diary to reflect who I am as a person, because when I am old I will always love to look back on how much of a complete idiot I was at this age. |
